// Food for thought

The Room

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order.

But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked". I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet
memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed". The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed At". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled At My Brothers". Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done In My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath At My Parents". I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts", I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards. No one must ever see this room. I have to destroy them!"

In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared The Gospel With". The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.

He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.

He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Philippians 4:13

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16

If you feel the same way forward it so the love of Jesus will touch their lives also. My "People I Shared The Gospel With" file just got bigger, how about yours?

// For a friend (or in-between)

You have forsaken me again
One too many times.
In my greatest hour of need,
Only the sounds of bullets chime.

I thought I knew you - I really did
But now I must come to face
The painful truth that loving you
Has denied me God's grace.

Now the blade is my only solace
Along with my dreams and tears.
I'll live the rest of this life of lies
Alone and without fear.

// The black parade

The number of days spent studying for promos has finally caught up with my mental health and killed me inside out. No amount of preparation can stop me retaining anyway. I give up.

Stop criticising people. You're doing it because you want and expect them to change. Don't even bother denying this - it's human nature to do so. That's the first step of the long journey you're going to take on the road to psychology. Master it well. And stop being so goddamn selfish.

To top it all off, the only person I wanted to see today was too lazy to come visit me. And didn't make an effort to reply my messages. What a stupendous let down.

So fuck off, all of you. Especially you both. I'm sick and tired of your moodswings, your bitchings, your complaints, your selfishness. You can hate me, but I guess I don't exactly give a shit now. Retards.

// The phrase that pays

I'm in a relatively good mood because I've managed to fix my router which has been giving me problems for the past 3 days.

Studied with Melvin, Greg and Jarvin in KAP yesterday for about 4 hours. It was extremely productive 'cause I did a 25 marks Econs essay on Market Structure, studied Market Failure (and got super confused in the process), and did Paper 1 from the Math TYS. Thanks guys for helping, I really appreciate your coming down. And Melvin, we'll get promoted okay. I promise. (:

Oh and one more thing.

I FRIGGIN' PASSED MY GRADE 8 PIANO EXAM.

:)

x)

:D

xD

Okay I failed my Scales and Aural by 1 mark each (as expected), but I did relatively well for the rest. The 2nd piece and Sigh Reading saved my ass actually haha. My total score's 110/150 I BEAT WANXIAN AND ALEX TEO HAHA. Maybe it's because my examiner was super nice though his handwriting's like some major piece of shit. Had a brainache trying to figure out his comments and everything and cheekache from non-stop smiling from 4pm onwards.

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER 'CAUSE THIS MEANS EVEN IF I SCREW MY IB, I CAN ALWAYS BECOME A FULL-TIME PIANO TEACHER. All I have to do is to... Love kids.

Shivers.

---

How can Love be selfless yet selfish at the same time?

If someone would kindly explain this to me, I'd appreciate it very much. /=

// Sweet tangerine

The stress level for Promos totally hit me like a rock today after school. Everyone's muggin like dogs while Cheryl and I were at the library editing our TOK mock presentation. Like freak me out man, I felt worse than I ever did for the O's 'cause I know I belong to the category of insane people who can mug from morning to night, 10 hours a day. Now, it's just 3 weeks to the exams and I'm like studying for 2 hours a day, plus my concentration span has become virtually hopeless and beyond repair.

Muggin for O's was fun 'cause you can study with familiar people on a regular basis. In ACS(I) it isn't so easy. I can't help but feel alone and at a complete loss at times. I don't mind studying myself (God-willing, of course), but school ends at what, 5pm every day and when I get home all I want to do is sleep. And when I wake up, there's the dreaded computer staring right in my face. So whatever little motivation I have to study properly is usually gone lol.

I hvae this horrible feeling that my most productive moments will lie in the week when the exams are taking place. I only have to go to school to sit for a paper, which will be about a couple of hours at most, and then I have the rest of the day free to study. That's how the system should work. The school should give us a 2-week holiday to revise for the exams instead of fucking chasing us for assignments and projects and presentations still omg. The students have enough pressure trying to get promoted already and yet we still have to meet deadlines that are set just before the exams. A litte unfair, don't you think?

Nevertheless I'm aware that the problem lies with me. Like now when I'm supposed to study Market Failure for next week's Econs test, I'm like here blogging instead. It's a little therapeutic though, letting your feelings out (kind of). Sadly it doesn't change the fact that Promos are just 3 weeks away and I have no idea how and where to start studying for Econs, Geography and Chemistry.

My router's going insane by the way. I apologise for not responding to people who've talked to me online tonight. And for signing in and out every 10 seconds. The bubble saying "A network cable is unplugged" keeps popping up and it's fucking annoying me to the max.

I've become numb to absolutely everything on the face of this Earth and I desperately need some sort of wake-up call or killing machine to maul me in the face. I don't know what to feel and how to feel about stuff anymore, which is unbelieveably pathetic and depressing.

Maybe I should resort to God or something. But hell, I don't even have the motivation to talk to Him. I so need to die right haha.

On a slightly happier note, 23 by Jimmy Eat World makes me feel better though. Sigh.

// L.G. FUAD

L.G. FUAD - Motion City Soundtrack

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm speaking figuratively, of course
Like the last time that I committed suicide,
"Social suicide".

Yeah, so I'm already dead
On the inside but I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent,
Not belligerent
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent
And have common sense, yeah.
Let me in, let me into the club
'Cause I wanna belong, and I need to get strong.
And if memory serves, I'm addicted to words
And they're useless...
In this department.

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.

I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept
All my problems and shortcomings
'Cause I'm so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I wanna thank you for being a part of my
"Forget-me-nots and marigolds,
And other things that don't get old."
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself
Through other people's descriptions of life.
I'm afraid, I'm alone and entirely useless...
In this department.

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.

I believe that I can overcome this
And beat everything in the end,
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier, you've been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you, I would
But I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initative.
Goddamn the liquor store's closed,
We were so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys 'til it kills.
I am tired and hungry and totally useless...
In this department.

---

This song basically sums up how I've been feeling for the past few weeks cause I don't know how to put everything into words of my own.

Anyway. I've got unresolved issues.

#1: I can't fucking stand it when people don't reply important and urgent messages, especially those who have a major problem and they tell you about it, but when you ask them what it is about, they suddenly stop replying for over an hour. You go out of your mind with worry, especially if it's that someone whom you care most about and can fly into the worst of rage attacks. And all you wanna do is to give them a call or go over to their house and give them a nice big hug, except certain circumstances permits you otherwise (i.e. For some insane reason they get pissed at people who try to cheer them up when they don't know about the problem at all instead of feeling grateful). So after waiting for an excruciating long time for their reply, you get some unbelieveable shit like one-liners or something totally out of the context. It's like you spent the entire time ditching what you're supposed to do (i.e. study for Promos) and fret like a moron instead. All for nothing. And when you're not even allowed to feel frustrated and annoyed and let them know because they'd snap back at you and this incident becomes another sharp drop in traumatic roller-coaster ride of a relationship. I've had enough; the last straw is waiting to fall and it can happen anytime now and I have no choice but to mentally prepare myself for the impact cause it's quite evident that you aren't gonna change.

#2: Never, EVER cancel out on a person at the very last minute. Especially a study session. What's worse, telling them that you can make it the night before and then before the person is getting ready to leave the house and messages you to let you know, you conveniently tell them that you've got something on till night time and you can't make it. And fucking not apologise. Whatever happened to your manners, my dearest Lydia Soh? Exams are coming and studying is not like an outing where you can decide when and where you'd like it to take place. Wait a minute, that wouldn't be the case since you'd go all the way out to organise stuff with your friends and not give a shit about family matters, right? A study session with your sister. Too much to handle, that you don't even bother to tell me you can't make it and wait for me to ask whether you're coming? Fuck you.

#3: This goes out to all young and immature girls. What the hell were you thinking, bringing a guy to your bedroom? Correction: Your sister shares that room too. And letting him bathe in your toilet when the guest one is just one fucking flight of stairs down. And lending him your sister's clothes to change into? Is your brain so degenerated and retarded that it is understandable that you can even dream about doing such despicable acts?

#4: He's your brother too. You stay at home the entire day and when he does something wrong, you fucking wait for me to come home and scold him? That totally defeats the purpose of effectively disciplining him because it isn't done immediately you fucktard. And don't give me the excuse that your friend's here so you can't take care of him. Tell your friends to screw off and do the job yourself - don't you even dare to think that it isn't your responsibilty to do so because it fucking is. Get that into your thick skull would ya. It's probably much easier to understand than the academic shit you're apparently claiming that you're studying very hard for.

---

Okay I've done ranting. Unfortunately life still sucks and I'm still waiting for an opportunity to die without killing myself. Roar.

// Sunday bloody Sunday

Okay a quiz which I answered retarded questions by the songs on my iTunes shuffle. I can do this forever, it actually makes me happy. :D

How are you feeling today?
Marching Bands Of Manhattan - Death Cab For Cutie
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole/Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound

Will you get far in life?
Message - Sanctus Real
We can't go solo if we're gonna win this fight/We're only stronger when we're standing side by side

How do your friends see you?
A Lonely September - Plain White T's
One thought of you is all it takes to leave the rest of the world behind.

Will you get married?
Existentialsism On Prom Night - Straylight Run
We're glad for what we've got/Done with what we've lost

What is your best friend's theme song?
Is It Any Wonder? - Keane
Stranded in the wrong time where love is just a lyric in a child's rhyme.

What is the story of your life?
Advertising Space - Robbie Williams
There's no dignity in death to sell the world your last breath.

What was high school like?
Drugs Or Me - Jimmy Eat World
You make the hardest things seem easy.

How can you get ahead in life?
Come Back Down - Lifehouse
Start to breathe and fake a smile/It's all the same after a while

What is the best thing about your friends?
What Went Wrong - Blink-182
This place is fucking cursed in its plague/And I can't ever escape when my heart it explodes

What is today going to be like?
My Blue Heaven - Taking Back Sunday
All the cards begin to stack up/Twisting heartaches into little fine pieces that avoid an awful crime

What is in store this weekend?
You Dance - Eastmountainsouth
You dance in my head, in my heart, in my everything.

What song describes you?
My Town - Armor For Sleep
This is the end of rotting away in the back seat.

What song describes your grandparents?
These Days - Rascal Flatts
Life throws you curves, but you learned to swerve/Me, I swung and I missed

How is your life going now?
Reason To Believe - Dashboard Confessional
Steady lungs, don't fail me now/I feel you bursting, but you won't let me die

What song would they play at your funeral?
The Last Song - The All-American Rejects
As I leave will you be someone to wipe your eye?

How does the world see you?
I Know - Plainsunset
If you love, you can let it show.

Will you have a happy life?
Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional
My heart is yours to break or bury, or wear as jewellery/Whichever you prefer

What do your friends really think of you?
Carousel - Blink-182
I stop to think at a well/My thoughts send me on a carousel

Do people secretly lust after you?
When You Were Young - The Killers
You play forgiveness/Watch it now - here he comes

How can I make myself happy?
Walls - Emery
Thess knuckles break before they bleed.

What should I do with my life?
L.G. FUAD - Motion City Soundtrack
Let's get fucked up and die.

Will you ever have children?
Blister - Jimmy Eat World
The West Coast has been traumatised and I think I'm the only one still alive.

// Bye.

This may well be my last post here cause I think my life has just ended right about now. So let us all pray for the day when God finally decides to have mercy on me and ends my miserable life on Earth to come soon enough. Kthxbye.

// Food for thought

The Room

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order.

But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked". I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet
memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed". The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed At". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled At My Brothers". Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done In My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath At My Parents". I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts", I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards. No one must ever see this room. I have to destroy them!"

In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared The Gospel With". The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.

He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.

He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Philippians 4:13

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16

If you feel the same way forward it so the love of Jesus will touch their lives also. My "People I Shared The Gospel With" file just got bigger, how about yours?

// For a friend (or in-between)

You have forsaken me again
One too many times.
In my greatest hour of need,
Only the sounds of bullets chime.

I thought I knew you - I really did
But now I must come to face
The painful truth that loving you
Has denied me God's grace.

Now the blade is my only solace
Along with my dreams and tears.
I'll live the rest of this life of lies
Alone and without fear.

// The black parade

The number of days spent studying for promos has finally caught up with my mental health and killed me inside out. No amount of preparation can stop me retaining anyway. I give up.

Stop criticising people. You're doing it because you want and expect them to change. Don't even bother denying this - it's human nature to do so. That's the first step of the long journey you're going to take on the road to psychology. Master it well. And stop being so goddamn selfish.

To top it all off, the only person I wanted to see today was too lazy to come visit me. And didn't make an effort to reply my messages. What a stupendous let down.

So fuck off, all of you. Especially you both. I'm sick and tired of your moodswings, your bitchings, your complaints, your selfishness. You can hate me, but I guess I don't exactly give a shit now. Retards.

// The phrase that pays

I'm in a relatively good mood because I've managed to fix my router which has been giving me problems for the past 3 days.

Studied with Melvin, Greg and Jarvin in KAP yesterday for about 4 hours. It was extremely productive 'cause I did a 25 marks Econs essay on Market Structure, studied Market Failure (and got super confused in the process), and did Paper 1 from the Math TYS. Thanks guys for helping, I really appreciate your coming down. And Melvin, we'll get promoted okay. I promise. (:

Oh and one more thing.

I FRIGGIN' PASSED MY GRADE 8 PIANO EXAM.

:)

x)

:D

xD

Okay I failed my Scales and Aural by 1 mark each (as expected), but I did relatively well for the rest. The 2nd piece and Sigh Reading saved my ass actually haha. My total score's 110/150 I BEAT WANXIAN AND ALEX TEO HAHA. Maybe it's because my examiner was super nice though his handwriting's like some major piece of shit. Had a brainache trying to figure out his comments and everything and cheekache from non-stop smiling from 4pm onwards.

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER 'CAUSE THIS MEANS EVEN IF I SCREW MY IB, I CAN ALWAYS BECOME A FULL-TIME PIANO TEACHER. All I have to do is to... Love kids.

Shivers.

---

How can Love be selfless yet selfish at the same time?

If someone would kindly explain this to me, I'd appreciate it very much. /=

// Sweet tangerine

The stress level for Promos totally hit me like a rock today after school. Everyone's muggin like dogs while Cheryl and I were at the library editing our TOK mock presentation. Like freak me out man, I felt worse than I ever did for the O's 'cause I know I belong to the category of insane people who can mug from morning to night, 10 hours a day. Now, it's just 3 weeks to the exams and I'm like studying for 2 hours a day, plus my concentration span has become virtually hopeless and beyond repair.

Muggin for O's was fun 'cause you can study with familiar people on a regular basis. In ACS(I) it isn't so easy. I can't help but feel alone and at a complete loss at times. I don't mind studying myself (God-willing, of course), but school ends at what, 5pm every day and when I get home all I want to do is sleep. And when I wake up, there's the dreaded computer staring right in my face. So whatever little motivation I have to study properly is usually gone lol.

I hvae this horrible feeling that my most productive moments will lie in the week when the exams are taking place. I only have to go to school to sit for a paper, which will be about a couple of hours at most, and then I have the rest of the day free to study. That's how the system should work. The school should give us a 2-week holiday to revise for the exams instead of fucking chasing us for assignments and projects and presentations still omg. The students have enough pressure trying to get promoted already and yet we still have to meet deadlines that are set just before the exams. A litte unfair, don't you think?

Nevertheless I'm aware that the problem lies with me. Like now when I'm supposed to study Market Failure for next week's Econs test, I'm like here blogging instead. It's a little therapeutic though, letting your feelings out (kind of). Sadly it doesn't change the fact that Promos are just 3 weeks away and I have no idea how and where to start studying for Econs, Geography and Chemistry.

My router's going insane by the way. I apologise for not responding to people who've talked to me online tonight. And for signing in and out every 10 seconds. The bubble saying "A network cable is unplugged" keeps popping up and it's fucking annoying me to the max.

I've become numb to absolutely everything on the face of this Earth and I desperately need some sort of wake-up call or killing machine to maul me in the face. I don't know what to feel and how to feel about stuff anymore, which is unbelieveably pathetic and depressing.

Maybe I should resort to God or something. But hell, I don't even have the motivation to talk to Him. I so need to die right haha.

On a slightly happier note, 23 by Jimmy Eat World makes me feel better though. Sigh.

// L.G. FUAD

L.G. FUAD - Motion City Soundtrack

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm speaking figuratively, of course
Like the last time that I committed suicide,
"Social suicide".

Yeah, so I'm already dead
On the inside but I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent,
Not belligerent
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent
And have common sense, yeah.
Let me in, let me into the club
'Cause I wanna belong, and I need to get strong.
And if memory serves, I'm addicted to words
And they're useless...
In this department.

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.

I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept
All my problems and shortcomings
'Cause I'm so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I wanna thank you for being a part of my
"Forget-me-nots and marigolds,
And other things that don't get old."
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself
Through other people's descriptions of life.
I'm afraid, I'm alone and entirely useless...
In this department.

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.

I believe that I can overcome this
And beat everything in the end,
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier, you've been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you, I would
But I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initative.
Goddamn the liquor store's closed,
We were so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys 'til it kills.
I am tired and hungry and totally useless...
In this department.

---

This song basically sums up how I've been feeling for the past few weeks cause I don't know how to put everything into words of my own.

Anyway. I've got unresolved issues.

#1: I can't fucking stand it when people don't reply important and urgent messages, especially those who have a major problem and they tell you about it, but when you ask them what it is about, they suddenly stop replying for over an hour. You go out of your mind with worry, especially if it's that someone whom you care most about and can fly into the worst of rage attacks. And all you wanna do is to give them a call or go over to their house and give them a nice big hug, except certain circumstances permits you otherwise (i.e. For some insane reason they get pissed at people who try to cheer them up when they don't know about the problem at all instead of feeling grateful). So after waiting for an excruciating long time for their reply, you get some unbelieveable shit like one-liners or something totally out of the context. It's like you spent the entire time ditching what you're supposed to do (i.e. study for Promos) and fret like a moron instead. All for nothing. And when you're not even allowed to feel frustrated and annoyed and let them know because they'd snap back at you and this incident becomes another sharp drop in traumatic roller-coaster ride of a relationship. I've had enough; the last straw is waiting to fall and it can happen anytime now and I have no choice but to mentally prepare myself for the impact cause it's quite evident that you aren't gonna change.

#2: Never, EVER cancel out on a person at the very last minute. Especially a study session. What's worse, telling them that you can make it the night before and then before the person is getting ready to leave the house and messages you to let you know, you conveniently tell them that you've got something on till night time and you can't make it. And fucking not apologise. Whatever happened to your manners, my dearest Lydia Soh? Exams are coming and studying is not like an outing where you can decide when and where you'd like it to take place. Wait a minute, that wouldn't be the case since you'd go all the way out to organise stuff with your friends and not give a shit about family matters, right? A study session with your sister. Too much to handle, that you don't even bother to tell me you can't make it and wait for me to ask whether you're coming? Fuck you.

#3: This goes out to all young and immature girls. What the hell were you thinking, bringing a guy to your bedroom? Correction: Your sister shares that room too. And letting him bathe in your toilet when the guest one is just one fucking flight of stairs down. And lending him your sister's clothes to change into? Is your brain so degenerated and retarded that it is understandable that you can even dream about doing such despicable acts?

#4: He's your brother too. You stay at home the entire day and when he does something wrong, you fucking wait for me to come home and scold him? That totally defeats the purpose of effectively disciplining him because it isn't done immediately you fucktard. And don't give me the excuse that your friend's here so you can't take care of him. Tell your friends to screw off and do the job yourself - don't you even dare to think that it isn't your responsibilty to do so because it fucking is. Get that into your thick skull would ya. It's probably much easier to understand than the academic shit you're apparently claiming that you're studying very hard for.

---

Okay I've done ranting. Unfortunately life still sucks and I'm still waiting for an opportunity to die without killing myself. Roar.

// Sunday bloody Sunday

Okay a quiz which I answered retarded questions by the songs on my iTunes shuffle. I can do this forever, it actually makes me happy. :D

How are you feeling today?
Marching Bands Of Manhattan - Death Cab For Cutie
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole/Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound

Will you get far in life?
Message - Sanctus Real
We can't go solo if we're gonna win this fight/We're only stronger when we're standing side by side

How do your friends see you?
A Lonely September - Plain White T's
One thought of you is all it takes to leave the rest of the world behind.

Will you get married?
Existentialsism On Prom Night - Straylight Run
We're glad for what we've got/Done with what we've lost

What is your best friend's theme song?
Is It Any Wonder? - Keane
Stranded in the wrong time where love is just a lyric in a child's rhyme.

What is the story of your life?
Advertising Space - Robbie Williams
There's no dignity in death to sell the world your last breath.

What was high school like?
Drugs Or Me - Jimmy Eat World
You make the hardest things seem easy.

How can you get ahead in life?
Come Back Down - Lifehouse
Start to breathe and fake a smile/It's all the same after a while

What is the best thing about your friends?
What Went Wrong - Blink-182
This place is fucking cursed in its plague/And I can't ever escape when my heart it explodes

What is today going to be like?
My Blue Heaven - Taking Back Sunday
All the cards begin to stack up/Twisting heartaches into little fine pieces that avoid an awful crime

What is in store this weekend?
You Dance - Eastmountainsouth
You dance in my head, in my heart, in my everything.

What song describes you?
My Town - Armor For Sleep
This is the end of rotting away in the back seat.

What song describes your grandparents?
These Days - Rascal Flatts
Life throws you curves, but you learned to swerve/Me, I swung and I missed

How is your life going now?
Reason To Believe - Dashboard Confessional
Steady lungs, don't fail me now/I feel you bursting, but you won't let me die

What song would they play at your funeral?
The Last Song - The All-American Rejects
As I leave will you be someone to wipe your eye?

How does the world see you?
I Know - Plainsunset
If you love, you can let it show.

Will you have a happy life?
Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional
My heart is yours to break or bury, or wear as jewellery/Whichever you prefer

What do your friends really think of you?
Carousel - Blink-182
I stop to think at a well/My thoughts send me on a carousel

Do people secretly lust after you?
When You Were Young - The Killers
You play forgiveness/Watch it now - here he comes

How can I make myself happy?
Walls - Emery
Thess knuckles break before they bleed.

What should I do with my life?
L.G. FUAD - Motion City Soundtrack
Let's get fucked up and die.

Will you ever have children?
Blister - Jimmy Eat World
The West Coast has been traumatised and I think I'm the only one still alive.

// Bye.

This may well be my last post here cause I think my life has just ended right about now. So let us all pray for the day when God finally decides to have mercy on me and ends my miserable life on Earth to come soon enough. Kthxbye.