Quiet is my loudest cry.

Just submitted my application to Cornell's study program this Fall and I'm feeling eggcited and scared and lackluster at the same time. The process was rather half-hearted. On top of filling out particulars and submitting academic transcripts, I had to write a motivation letter (why Cornell?) and academic interest letter (what modules to take) and there were some issues with the referral letter that I can't mention here no matter how much I want to. In a nutshell, I was doing this alone. No one was really interested in applying because of the staggering cost (we have to pay a whopping USD 18,875 in tuition fee plus the regular SMU semester fee, and that's not even including lodging, food and transport) so I'm in this by myself.

It's not so much of going there alone that's scary, but the fact that everything about this is so unsure. Even my reasons for going aren't that fantastic. A friend asked me why I wanted to go even when it's so expensive. I could only reply "It's Cornelllllll." Now I know how my friends studying overseas felt some years ago, and that's only a tiny fraction of what they're going through and what I'll experience in time to come. If I even get in.

But really, am I doing the right thing here? I can give all the reasons in the world that would be convincing, like I want to experience the culture there, meet global Christians, learn in the kind of environment Cornell provides its students, and everything else I wrote in my motivation letter. But maybe I'm just trying to escape Singapore and my self here. Ever since this semester started, I'm just going for classes, handing up assignments every week, having four hours of sleep a night, studying for midterms, and worrying that everything I'm doing now isn't gonna match up to everything else. Yet isn't this how it's supposed to be? When I'm in Cornell, I'm a student too.

I feel so far away from myself. What I used to be like. Even leaving my assignments aside routinely to serve in ministry, go out with friends, shop for CNY clothes, watch concerts and performances etc. now seem like chores I have to do; to check off my list; to at least appear that I have a wholesome lifestyle. But my heart isn't in the things I do anymore.

And we can't always be doing stuff. We're called human beings for a reason right?

I am so tired. Had a midterm this morning. Twas alright, not expecting much. Next week, I have three midterms back-to-back and an assignment due. 新年快樂, seriously.

Anyway, I just went on a chocolate spree in Watson's and since nothing else goes better with chocolate than milk, I wanted to buy a carton in school. To my shock, there isn't a single tenant in SMU that sells milk. I went to Koufu, Screme, Treehouse; even Settler's Cafe to ask and no one could help me. WHY LIDDAT. :(

I really wish to drink milk now, but 7-11's too far away. Boohoo.

18 February 2010 @ 2:35 AM

// We can live like this

But if you left it up to me

Everyday would be a holiday from real

We'd waste our weeks beneath the sun

We'd lie and tell our friends it's so much fun out here

But when it's all over

I'll come back for another year.

11 February 2010 @ 4:02 PM

// The Future Freaks Me Out

And we can't always be doing stuff. We're called human beings for a reason right?

I am so tired. Had a midterm this morning. Twas alright, not expecting much. Next week, I have three midterms back-to-back and an assignment due. 新年快樂, seriously.

I really wish to drink milk now, but 7-11's too far away. Boohoo.