Quiet is my loudest cry.

L.G. FUAD - Motion City Soundtrack

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm speaking figuratively, of course
Like the last time that I committed suicide,
"Social suicide".

Yeah, so I'm already dead
On the inside but I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent,
Not belligerent
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent
And have common sense, yeah.
Let me in, let me into the club
'Cause I wanna belong, and I need to get strong.
And if memory serves, I'm addicted to words
And they're useless...
In this department.

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.

I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept
All my problems and shortcomings
'Cause I'm so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I wanna thank you for being a part of my
"Forget-me-nots and marigolds,
And other things that don't get old."
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself
Through other people's descriptions of life.
I'm afraid, I'm alone and entirely useless...
In this department.

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.

I believe that I can overcome this
And beat everything in the end,
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier, you've been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you, I would
But I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initative.
Goddamn the liquor store's closed,
We were so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys 'til it kills.
I am tired and hungry and totally useless...
In this department.

---

This song basically sums up how I've been feeling for the past few weeks cause I don't know how to put everything into words of my own.

Anyway. I've got unresolved issues.

#1: I can't fucking stand it when people don't reply important and urgent messages, especially those who have a major problem and they tell you about it, but when you ask them what it is about, they suddenly stop replying for over an hour. You go out of your mind with worry, especially if it's that someone whom you care most about and can fly into the worst of rage attacks. And all you wanna do is to give them a call or go over to their house and give them a nice big hug, except certain circumstances permits you otherwise (i.e. For some insane reason they get pissed at people who try to cheer them up when they don't know about the problem at all instead of feeling grateful). So after waiting for an excruciating long time for their reply, you get some unbelieveable shit like one-liners or something totally out of the context. It's like you spent the entire time ditching what you're supposed to do (i.e. study for Promos) and fret like a moron instead. All for nothing. And when you're not even allowed to feel frustrated and annoyed and let them know because they'd snap back at you and this incident becomes another sharp drop in traumatic roller-coaster ride of a relationship. I've had enough; the last straw is waiting to fall and it can happen anytime now and I have no choice but to mentally prepare myself for the impact cause it's quite evident that you aren't gonna change.

#2: Never, EVER cancel out on a person at the very last minute. Especially a study session. What's worse, telling them that you can make it the night before and then before the person is getting ready to leave the house and messages you to let you know, you conveniently tell them that you've got something on till night time and you can't make it. And fucking not apologise. Whatever happened to your manners, my dearest Lydia Soh? Exams are coming and studying is not like an outing where you can decide when and where you'd like it to take place. Wait a minute, that wouldn't be the case since you'd go all the way out to organise stuff with your friends and not give a shit about family matters, right? A study session with your sister. Too much to handle, that you don't even bother to tell me you can't make it and wait for me to ask whether you're coming? Fuck you.

#3: This goes out to all young and immature girls. What the hell were you thinking, bringing a guy to your bedroom? Correction: Your sister shares that room too. And letting him bathe in your toilet when the guest one is just one fucking flight of stairs down. And lending him your sister's clothes to change into? Is your brain so degenerated and retarded that it is understandable that you can even dream about doing such despicable acts?

#4: He's your brother too. You stay at home the entire day and when he does something wrong, you fucking wait for me to come home and scold him? That totally defeats the purpose of effectively disciplining him because it isn't done immediately you fucktard. And don't give me the excuse that your friend's here so you can't take care of him. Tell your friends to screw off and do the job yourself - don't you even dare to think that it isn't your responsibilty to do so because it fucking is. Get that into your thick skull would ya. It's probably much easier to understand than the academic shit you're apparently claiming that you're studying very hard for.

---

Okay I've done ranting. Unfortunately life still sucks and I'm still waiting for an opportunity to die without killing myself. Roar.

13 September 2006 @ 12:16 AM

// L.G. FUAD