// Liar, liar

Today I lied to you that my tuition got postponed to night time when my tutor actually cancelled cause she fell sick cause I didn't really feel like meeting you. I didn't want to feel bad for telling you that I didn't want to meet you so I came up with that excuse, and also to have a couple of hours free from talking to you so I won't feel guilty. And instead of staying at home, I went out with Rui to watch Spiderman 3.

9 February 2007, Friday I let a guy I complain to you about a lot of times now touch me. Not in anywhere private (thank God), and he was very persistant and I was sort of trapped. But all the same it was a terrible mistake. And I felt so guilty I broke up with you right after it happened without telling you the real reason why.

21 February 2007, Wednesday it happened again. And I didn't do anything to stop it.

Last year during my trip I met Mark Chiang at Whistler. We didn't do anything you'd think we could've done I swear, but I didn't want to tell you because I know you'll expect the worst. Which didn't and never will happen of course.

More often than not I ignore your messages on purpose because I just didn't feel like talking to you, especially when we both were unhappy. I didn't care whether you wanted to kill yourself or not because you keep saying that so many times I got tired of it. Sometimes I even wished you'd really do it so I won't have so much unhappiness in my life, and also I won't keep making you sad.

---

You said I'm a compulsive liar. You're wrong. I'm just a normal, lying hypocrite who's so two-faced I don't even know which person I am. I lie so much I don't even remember them. And because I'm too scared to account for my actions, I push all the blame to you.

It's not surprising I don't feel a whole lot better after coming clean with you. And for not doing this in your face, I'm also a coward.

You know, you're a much better person than me. For being so honest and true to your emotions. And ironically, you're not a Christian.

Now you know why I hate myself so much sometimes. It takes out all my compassion for humanity. I think that's why I don't care about how you feel. I only do if it makes me feel bad.

I don't really know what I'm typing anymore so I'd better stop now. I hope now you know why I don't deserve you and that you'll forgive me one day (if it's even possible).

One more thing. When I told you I really want to love you again, I meant it. From the bottom of my diseased heart, I want to love you like how I did last year.

I'm sorry.

// Liar, liar

Today I lied to you that my tuition got postponed to night time when my tutor actually cancelled cause she fell sick cause I didn't really feel like meeting you. I didn't want to feel bad for telling you that I didn't want to meet you so I came up with that excuse, and also to have a couple of hours free from talking to you so I won't feel guilty. And instead of staying at home, I went out with Rui to watch Spiderman 3.

9 February 2007, Friday I let a guy I complain to you about a lot of times now touch me. Not in anywhere private (thank God), and he was very persistant and I was sort of trapped. But all the same it was a terrible mistake. And I felt so guilty I broke up with you right after it happened without telling you the real reason why.

21 February 2007, Wednesday it happened again. And I didn't do anything to stop it.

Last year during my trip I met Mark Chiang at Whistler. We didn't do anything you'd think we could've done I swear, but I didn't want to tell you because I know you'll expect the worst. Which didn't and never will happen of course.

More often than not I ignore your messages on purpose because I just didn't feel like talking to you, especially when we both were unhappy. I didn't care whether you wanted to kill yourself or not because you keep saying that so many times I got tired of it. Sometimes I even wished you'd really do it so I won't have so much unhappiness in my life, and also I won't keep making you sad.

---

You said I'm a compulsive liar. You're wrong. I'm just a normal, lying hypocrite who's so two-faced I don't even know which person I am. I lie so much I don't even remember them. And because I'm too scared to account for my actions, I push all the blame to you.

It's not surprising I don't feel a whole lot better after coming clean with you. And for not doing this in your face, I'm also a coward.

You know, you're a much better person than me. For being so honest and true to your emotions. And ironically, you're not a Christian.

Now you know why I hate myself so much sometimes. It takes out all my compassion for humanity. I think that's why I don't care about how you feel. I only do if it makes me feel bad.

I don't really know what I'm typing anymore so I'd better stop now. I hope now you know why I don't deserve you and that you'll forgive me one day (if it's even possible).

One more thing. When I told you I really want to love you again, I meant it. From the bottom of my diseased heart, I want to love you like how I did last year.

I'm sorry.